To the Country!

I took advantage of the nice weekend and headed upstate with Rebecca.  The house in the Catskills is an area i’ve always referred to as The Country.  There’s multiple ways to get there, but we usually took the quickway.  A quickway is what older folks refer to a highway as.  Usually a quickway was built in their lifetime that now cuts the old travel time in half.  They remember how long it used to take and wow, that new quickway they built sure does get us there in no time.

Though with the nice weather and changing leaves, we took the old route 17 up, past all the dairy farms and old houses and it’s really nice to get out and see the things you’ve always known in a different way.  I think of the Red Apple Rest, which I stopped by when I was a kid with my dad and uncle and cousin when I was growing up.  They used to stop there on their old trips upstate and by the time the quickway was built  and I visited, it was a relic of a former time, now I returned with Rebecca and the place was all boarded up.

The fresh air and quiet are enough to make you think it’s really all you need in life.  The porch at my grandparents house is a perfect place for sitting and taking it all in.  But soon it got cold and so we watch tv on a small television and light the house with lamps from 50 years ago.  We cook dinner in a stove that only has an ‘ON’ area.  Not even an ‘ON’ area, but something like ‘FULL’, ‘LIGHT’, and I thought to myself, how the hell did someone work this thing.

There’s a bunch of old things in the house.  Old things my grandparents probably bought and thought they’d never have to buy it again.  Items like egg-beaters and telephones.  TV trays from the late seventies.  Coolers (lots of coolers!)  Sheets and bottles of soda.  Things!  So many things.  I can’t help but think how much use all those things could have been at one time or another, and yet my thoughts go to buying new items though I’m depressed that the new stuff is so disenchanting.

We stayed through til Sunday early afternoon.  We ate breakfast at the local diner where the placemats advertise local businesses.  Construction, accounting, jail bonds, etc.  We walked to the lake.  Enjoyed the peace and quiet.

There’s lots more, but the important stuff is here.  That I’m now thirty and a weekend of doing nothing and enjoying the weather in my grandparents house is enough to me seems strange, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Notes:

Red Apple Rest was featured in the Woody Allen movie, Deconstructing Harry.  An underrated and very enjoyable film of his.  He stops there with a black hooker and his son in the car because he’s Woody Allen.

Apple Season is upon us.  Jeff, get your cider.  The rest of you get to an orchard and enjoy some apple picking.

abzME is back!

I have officially reclaimed the website and registered it for 10 years. What did you do today?

Another event of me expending too much energy on something that should not have needed to be dealt with in the first place.

Now I am going to run to work because I am running late.

I will do work that should have been done yesterday.

My clothes will be wrinkled because I have not done the wash.

My food will be old because I don’t eat leftovers fast enough.

And yet, I will smile because my boss thinks I’m a Masochist.

No big fanfare needed.

March Wrapup

 

Ye Noble Knight of the Land of Knightbridge

 

 

Last month I moved into my new apartment.  I bought a tv, and had it installed on the wall.  I bought a shoe rack for Starr’s shoes, and put up shelves in my bathroom.  I did my darnedest to get the place to be mine, though I had a basil plant that could not adapt to my new apartment, and the light in the bathroom, it seems, needs a cover.  It’s not Apartment 2, but hopefully with some love, care, and a little bit of elbow grease, it’ll be an oasis in the middle of Midtown.  

I have four neighbors.  Four.  That means if one dies, 25% of the buildings occupants were wiped out.  The hallway is clean, much cleaner than my old place with Jeff, and it kind of  feels like a doctors office.  For some reason when you walk up the stairs, there’s a point in the middle where a wave of heat hits you.  Very strange.  I’ve also noticed that my walls are hot in certain places.  The radiator is not hot, but the wall, in certain spots, is warm.  

My landlord is English -My checks go to Knightsbridge, LLC.  This makes me feel good because a landlord should be English by the sheer roots of the word.  They should make the best landlords.  But if not, at least I’ll know my getting screwed would be a sort of tradition.  Me and the other three tenants -Rodney, Girl-Who-Drinks-Upstairs, and Other Person would all drink at the local tavern and curse our Land’s Lord.  Then I’ll have that deep emotional connection to Feudal England that I’ve always yearned for.

Despite my connections to Verizon, I had to go with Time Warner cable.  They came at the inconvenient time of 12pm last Wednesday.  Their phone reps are assholes who try not to be assholes according to the rules of their Employee Behavior Manuals -This is the worst kind of asshole.  I hate Time Warner.  I hate them so much.  The other day they prank called me to say they were coming, but they really weren’t.  Then when it was time for them to come, they didn’t arrive til 15 minutes before 4pm.  Starr waited around all day for them and it nearly ruined Passover.  I hate you Time Warner.

My new apartment looks at an office building.  Dead on.  A big, huge skyscraper.  It sorta gives me vertigo sometimes because I’m looking at the offices and it could be the 3rd floor or it could be the 30th.  There are always people there (like tonight), working late.  I don’t care if they see me naked, or sittin’ on the couch.  Their office is so ugly.  My office has coats, but their office has cubicles.  That’s very cliche’.  I’ve been thinking about going over to the front desk and find out what they do there.

Don’t Cheap Out

In this tough economy, some of us would like to cut our budgets in any way we can.

But there are some things ;in this life we can not cut out.  

There are a few things not to cheap out on in life:

Ice trays – Stinky ice cubes?  No way!  Don’t get soft when it comes to creating ice from your tap water.  Nothing will turn you off to a cup of water more than turning it into a cup of Ass-Freezer-Smell.  Be sure to get a solid, dependable, ice tray that will somehow keep ice from not smelling by using science.

Toilet paper – I hate going to people’s houses that I like and finding their toilet paper is so damn cheap.  Seriously?  You use cheap toilet paper?  You try to save money on your ass?  The one thing people always try to protect?  ’I gotta save my ass!’, ‘You’re not gonna find my ass in there.’ and, ‘I gotta get my ass to the gym.’   And then you’re gonna wipe it down with the next level up after newspaper?  I can recommend Cottenelle Blue.  Really make the effort here though.  I’m still waiting for the next best thing (a puppy dog?)    

Can Opener – There’s nothing worse than having a can opener that doesn’t work.  It’s so brilliant that they haven’t improved on it (except for all the improvements) for a hundred years.  It’s really the can though.  So impenetrable…unless you have a special weapon.  You can’t write this stuff!

That’s my list so far… It’s important to keep these things short.

 

Some tricks:

-Be a man and get a tray that requires the traditional practice of balance.  Be a bigger man and get an ice pick. Be a woman and kill someone with it.

-I always try to use two squares at a time (unlimited times).  I’ve been known to jump in the shower if paper up my butt is just not working.  Really?  But why wouldn’t paper work? Why would science figure out how to turn water into ice, but not how to clean my but without any effort?

-A good can opener is so great relative to a bad can opener.  You only know this if you’ve had a bad can opener.

 

Jelly Belly

I’m leaving my office and getting rid of my stuff.

Amidst the firesale, I found a sample of Jelly Belly Beans (ca.2005) that I ripped into like a comet was headed to earth. I had to eat everything I’d saved away for when I’d really want them (which I was sure was another time). They were really hard and old and tough to eat, but they retained their flavor very well and so I had to wonder how much I enjoyed my jelly beans enough to sacrifice potential cavities I could have tomorrow or in the future. Oh man, those jelly beans were good once they softened up! So despite the fact that I could feel my teeth hurting, I keep eating because, well, they’re delicious, and I still have my teeth today.

But it doesn’t change the fact that one of my biggest fears in life is that one day I will loose my teeth. I dread this more than peeing myself at the office in the lunchroom while everyone’s around and wondering briefly if they can smell the warm urine before I have to remove myself because my jeans are wet and hot and sticking to my thigh. Uch, I don’t want to loose my teeth!

There’s some commercial that I love that I can’t think of right now, but basically it’s got all these old people using their teeth like monkey wrenches. One old guy in a cool paperboy cap is sitting in the diner bending his fork back with his mouth after he notices the prongs are a bit crooked. Another lady does something good with her teeth as well though I can’t remember right now what it was, but I think it involved an iron. Regardless, the commercial also had good music. Does anyone else know this commercial (may be on during Jeopardy or The Today Show).

I have a right to fear loosing my teeth. My dad was missing teeth when he met my mom. None of my grandparents have teeth. My teeth are sensitive to cold and sometimes throb like they’re trying to fall out. I have problems with my gums receding that my dentist yells at me about, like genetics are my fault. I wore a nightbrace for years to try to correct my crappy teeth, only to find that they don’t use them anymore cause they don’t work. Nothing is worse than memories of wearing your nightbrace and practicing the piano at the tender age of 11 only to find out that neither of them will amount to anything.

But I still eat jelly beans and drink soda. Who knows. Maybe my teeth will fall out regardless. And if that’s the case, does it matter if I end up with thirty years of no teeth versus thirty-three because I brushed a bit more and didn’t eat 4 year old jelly beans?

I Went To Pakistan For Lunch Today

In my neverending quest to find good food at cheap prices while still trying new things, I found myself in a bodega on 9th Avenue today, spontaneously getting three dollars worth of rice, spinach and an animal that is supposed to be chicken, but is actually labeled as ‘OTHER’. It was the chickpeas creatively mixed in with the rice that sold me on the lunch (I’ve been on a chickpea kick recently), and to be honest, the rice alone is not bad. However don’t be fooled. Chunky pieces of meat that look plentiful are actually bone from unidentifiable parts of an unclassified creature whose flesh doesn’t seem to take to being cooked.
It’s all pretty amusing because before I left the man told me how good this Pakistani dish is and that he loves it. With his accent I thought he wanted me to try it right then and there, which I’m glad I didn’t do because I would have spit it out all over him in an uncontrollable gag reflex.
I remember reading a short story in High School English about a woman who kills her husband with a frozen lamb chop and then serves it to the police investigating the murder, thus essentially disposing of the murder weapon by the very people looking for it. It occurs to me now that I may in fact be doing something similar with my lunch today.
I wonder if I’ll be sick this afternoon…

UPDATE: I pretty much ate around all the dead-Pakistani wife remains and vowed never to give charity to Pakistan again.

People Won’t Come, Ray.

Does anybody care about interleague play when it’s the Yanks versus the Astros?

Does anybody care when the Reds play…um…does it even matter?  Interleague is stupid.  The Yanks are up against the Padres tonight and the Reds on Friday.  Wow.  I’m not looking forward to watching those at all.

Give me some divisional series or at least lets cut this back, but three series in a row of interleague is bland.

And the Mets, besides the fact that no one cares about who they play cause they loose irregardless, are playing the Angels.  Ucch!

Who’s My Boss?

I had a dream about Alyssa Milano last night. I know what you’re thinking and yes, we did.

For some reason she shaved her head. For some other reason I found this really attractive on her. In real life though I wouldn’t find this attractive. Also, I’m not that into Alyssa Milano these days. She’s still plenty pretty, but she just doesn’t get my blood boiling like she used. And a loooooong time ago she really got it going for me. I remember in elementary school having something like 7 posters of her in my room from all the Teen Bop magazines (Teen Bop, Teen Beat, Tiger (remember Tiger magazine, haha, oh wait, it’s Tiger Beat)). I thought I liked her the most until I realized someone else in my class had about 30 posters in his room (Ian Sh_rman) -Jeez, that place was like a creepy shrine. Anyway, I really disliked her character in My Name Is Earl this past season, but mostly because she drove Earl crazy. So I guess that’s a nod to her acting skills, but I don’t think she’s such a great actress.

I have a few stories about Alyssa Milano -rumors and such I’ve heard from people who know people who know me.  The stories are just okay -which is usually the way it is with dumb hearsay stories about actors and actresses, but if we’re out drinking one night we can talk about them if you’re interested enough, though I’m telling you they’re not that good.   My dream is probably better.

[I wonder if I could take Alyssa Milano...would she fall for my charm?  Hmmmmm.....]

Breaking The Vice

I’m pretty sure I have a heat rash on my neck and chest.  They’re spots of sort that itch right down to my armpit.  I have an ingrown hair on my neck.  These happen sometimes, but this one seems to be my worst ever.  I thought it might be something worse like a tumor or a goitre, but my thyroid feels fine.  My doctor (Neil) said he’d take it out, but his threshold for pain is greater than mine.

I woke up with a headache, but then, I went to bed with one too.  It seems my headaches are more frequent lately when I wake up, though they tend to go away as the day goes on.  I can’t complain too much about them, but I do talk to the spanish ladies who sew samples for us.  ‘Mi cabeza es…um…no bueno…’.  They rattle off answers and I can’t respond.  I’ve been meaning to get one of those Rosetta Stones, but my lack of focus keeps me from ordering it.

But the heat is what’s killing me now more than ever.  Our Air Conditioner only works on fan since it’s from 1983 and it shorts out the tv when it is on.    I’ve slept with no A/C for two nights.  It doesn’t help my head.  I closed all the windows cause I was sure it was making it worse.  Sunday night I took a sheet off the bed and layed down on the wood floor cause my back hurt.  Eventually I passed out.

This heat is killer.  New York is unlivable like this.

What Was I Thinking?

Here’s some stream-of-conscious writings:

What’s the matter with you people?  What does it take to enthrall you stupid readers to get you talking back?  Do I have to talk about my loose stools as of late and how some girls call me Sir-Poops-A-Lot?   I don’t even think I go that much.  Just as much as the next guy, maybe less.  But girls just think that being in the bathroom is half of what men do with their lives.  Trust me, if I could, I would.  It’s the only real meditation I get during the day.  Being in the bathroom is awesome.  I beat level 2 of Zelda in the bathroom the other day.  Alot of the other times I’m just cleaning out my text messages.

My MRI came back today and I have a small cyst at the back of my brain where my spinal cord and brain meet.  According to the doctor, I’ve probably had it since I was little so it’s nothing to worry about, but I’m starting to doubt her.  She wears skids.  Also, I make these appointments for 8:30 and she never shows up until about 8:45-9.  C’mon.  Is it really so difficult to get there at the appointments time?  And if not, then just tell me to come in later.  Stupid doctors.  The other thing that sucks -and this goes for all docotrs- is paying for an appointment when all you did with them was sit for 10 minutes and talk.  Are you fucking serious?  You’re gonna charge me a full appointments amount for me telling you that I feel the same as last time?  All I picture is me walking out and her thinking ‘Jeez, that was the easiest 300 bucks I ever made.  I’ve gotta get him in here more often.’

Apparently asses are back in.  According to the NY Post at least.  This girl Kim Kardashian has a delectable booty.  I for one seem to favor the ass at this point in my life and can appreciate them in many shapes and sizes.  I once had a conversation with the interstellar traveler named Bruce about how a girls ass is scientifically set to turn males on at a 7/10th ratio to the waist.  This is because that ratio portrays the best shape for reproduction.  I don’t know how true that is, but it makes sense to me.  And who am I to argue with a creature from another planet.  He’s since returned home.  Some nights I look up at the sky and wonder where he is.

In still other news, peaches and plums are in season so be sure to pick a few up!  Peaches are awesome.