Jeff finally explores his writing passion in the guest blog entry below. Though it took a while to hear from him, I think you’ll agree it was worth the wait…
Outside my bedroom window in Apt. 2, a nightly war wages. A battle between the army of squirrels vs. the legion of rats vs. the brigade of pigeons and other animals continues to make ungodly sounds almost every night that seem to be right next to me but, I am reassured by my 90 year old hot as all hell apt. that they will remain in the wild. To my surprise on Sunday night, the animal kingdom had made its way inside these walls. Around 1am, I headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth as a good dentist once told me when out of the corner of my eye I see an enormous cockroach (think the classic film Joe’s Apt except less hilarious, well actually much more hilarious) on the bathroom tile wall. Thinking swiftly and for entertainment purposes, I thought maybe we should clean this place more often (I had never seen one in here before) but, I thought that I would shoot it down with a rubber band bringing me back to the days when I received an archery set for my 11th birthday which was abandoned to play Nintendo about 2 hours after I opened the box. I located, locked him in let it go and to my surprise a direct hit as he fell from the wall into the tub. Wiping my brow and about to celebrate by listening to more WFAN coverage of useless repetitive phone calls, I noticed that while one of his many legs had detached, this cockroach was far from ending his fight. As he began to run around the bathroom tub and up the walls, I scurried to find any of the hundreds of old magazines that somehow stay in this place, settling on the 2007 Pazz and Jop issue of the Village Voice (Amy Winehouse cover, I imagine she enjoys killing/eating bugs), I ran back in and with my ten push ups a day strength capacity smacked the living hell out of this thing. Preparing to be done with this and go to bed, I lift the paper and my feisty friend the cockroach is still going strong! Heart racing now, I chased him down the tub, and pummeled the bug with more of Winehouse’s face. Lifting up the paper, this creature was still trying to survive and continue fighting like Mariners pitcher Felix Hernandez last night, who after hitting the first grand slam by an AL pitcher since I was negative eight off Johan Santana, gets his ankle spiked by Beltran, and tries to beg his manager to stay alive in the game before clearly having to take him out for the night…I was going to play the role of Interim Manager Jim Riggleman here. With one more whomp and several fierce foot stomps I had finally taken down the damn bug. Viewing the carcass, I lifted the paper (it was stuck to Amy’s nose), peeled it off the paper, and heaved it into the great water oasis with a flush.
Another adventure in the urban jungle at the soon to be departed Apt. 2. For those of you wondering, abzme is still itching, possibly has a new ailment, and has 5 new mosquito bites today.
Five mosquito bites would be a pleasure! I’m a grand feast for these bloodsuckers! I think they’re trying to mate with me!
Tags: cockroaches, felix hernandez, Jeff, killing bugs in the apartment, nyc, rubberbands
June 24, 2008 at 1:37 pm |
What a hilarious whirlwind! I’ve never been prouder. In true JW style, this entire entry is one sentence… but it only adds to the rollicking suspense. Well done Jefe!!! What will this blog be about once Apt 2 is vacated and all petulance is over and done with (in theory)?
June 25, 2008 at 6:26 pm |
Bravo Jeff…Bravo. I do think you should have just held up the picture of Amy Winehouse so the cockroach could see her. That would have caused a quick death, but on the other hand, would have also killed a great blog. We want more Jeff, We want more Jeff….(repeat).
July 18, 2008 at 5:03 pm |
Adam I’ve found a way to communicate outside of the matrix to leave you this comment… on how much I like Jeff’s post haha jk I did like it but you truley have the mind for creative perceptions of life. It is obvious how baseball is in full swing in apt 2, as I write this the kick ass Mets are in first place!! woot woot. I think the number of reads you get on your entries rather than our dumb .02 cents in replies is your goal. good luck. your phone should be ringing..morpheous?