Close Encounters Of Las Cucarachas Kind

Jeff finally explores his writing passion in the guest blog entry below. Though it took a while to hear from him, I think you’ll agree it was worth the wait…

Outside my bedroom window in Apt. 2, a nightly war wages. A battle between the army of squirrels vs. the legion of rats vs. the brigade of pigeons and other animals continues to make ungodly sounds almost every night that seem to be right next to me but, I am reassured by my 90 year old hot as all hell apt. that they will remain in the wild. To my surprise on Sunday night, the animal kingdom had made its way inside these walls. Around 1am, I headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth as a good dentist once told me when out of the corner of my eye I see an enormous cockroach (think the classic film Joe’s Apt except less hilarious, well actually much more hilarious) on the bathroom tile wall. Thinking swiftly and for entertainment purposes, I thought maybe we should clean this place more often (I had never seen one in here before) but, I thought that I would shoot it down with a rubber band bringing me back to the days when I received an archery set for my 11th birthday which was abandoned to play Nintendo about 2 hours after I opened the box. I located, locked him in let it go and to my surprise a direct hit as he fell from the wall into the tub. Wiping my brow and about to celebrate by listening to more WFAN coverage of useless repetitive phone calls, I noticed that while one of his many legs had detached, this cockroach was far from ending his fight. As he began to run around the bathroom tub and up the walls, I scurried to find any of the hundreds of old magazines that somehow stay in this place, settling on the 2007 Pazz and Jop issue of the Village Voice (Amy Winehouse cover, I imagine she enjoys killing/eating bugs), I ran back in and with my ten push ups a day strength capacity smacked the living hell out of this thing. Preparing to be done with this and go to bed, I lift the paper and my feisty friend the cockroach is still going strong! Heart racing now, I chased him down the tub, and pummeled the bug with more of Winehouse’s face. Lifting up the paper, this creature was still trying to survive and continue fighting like Mariners pitcher Felix Hernandez last night, who after hitting the first grand slam by an AL pitcher since I was negative eight off Johan Santana, gets his ankle spiked by Beltran, and tries to beg his manager to stay alive in the game before clearly having to take him out for the night…I was going to play the role of Interim Manager Jim Riggleman here. With one more whomp and several fierce foot stomps I had finally taken down the damn bug. Viewing the carcass, I lifted the paper (it was stuck to Amy’s nose), peeled it off the paper, and heaved it into the great water oasis with a flush.

Another adventure in the urban jungle at the soon to be departed Apt. 2. For those of you wondering, abzme is still itching, possibly has a new ailment, and has 5 new mosquito bites today.

Five mosquito bites would be a pleasure! I’m a grand feast for these bloodsuckers! I think they’re trying to mate with me!

I Went To Pakistan For Lunch Today

In my neverending quest to find good food at cheap prices while still trying new things, I found myself in a bodega on 9th Avenue today, spontaneously getting three dollars worth of rice, spinach and an animal that is supposed to be chicken, but is actually labeled as ‘OTHER’. It was the chickpeas creatively mixed in with the rice that sold me on the lunch (I’ve been on a chickpea kick recently), and to be honest, the rice alone is not bad. However don’t be fooled. Chunky pieces of meat that look plentiful are actually bone from unidentifiable parts of an unclassified creature whose flesh doesn’t seem to take to being cooked.
It’s all pretty amusing because before I left the man told me how good this Pakistani dish is and that he loves it. With his accent I thought he wanted me to try it right then and there, which I’m glad I didn’t do because I would have spit it out all over him in an uncontrollable gag reflex.
I remember reading a short story in High School English about a woman who kills her husband with a frozen lamb chop and then serves it to the police investigating the murder, thus essentially disposing of the murder weapon by the very people looking for it. It occurs to me now that I may in fact be doing something similar with my lunch today.
I wonder if I’ll be sick this afternoon…

UPDATE: I pretty much ate around all the dead-Pakistani wife remains and vowed never to give charity to Pakistan again.

People Won’t Come, Ray.

Does anybody care about interleague play when it’s the Yanks versus the Astros?

Does anybody care when the Reds play…um…does it even matter?  Interleague is stupid.  The Yanks are up against the Padres tonight and the Reds on Friday.  Wow.  I’m not looking forward to watching those at all.

Give me some divisional series or at least lets cut this back, but three series in a row of interleague is bland.

And the Mets, besides the fact that no one cares about who they play cause they loose irregardless, are playing the Angels.  Ucch!

Who’s My Boss?

I had a dream about Alyssa Milano last night. I know what you’re thinking and yes, we did.

For some reason she shaved her head. For some other reason I found this really attractive on her. In real life though I wouldn’t find this attractive. Also, I’m not that into Alyssa Milano these days. She’s still plenty pretty, but she just doesn’t get my blood boiling like she used. And a loooooong time ago she really got it going for me. I remember in elementary school having something like 7 posters of her in my room from all the Teen Bop magazines (Teen Bop, Teen Beat, Tiger (remember Tiger magazine, haha, oh wait, it’s Tiger Beat)). I thought I liked her the most until I realized someone else in my class had about 30 posters in his room (Ian Sh_rman) -Jeez, that place was like a creepy shrine. Anyway, I really disliked her character in My Name Is Earl this past season, but mostly because she drove Earl crazy. So I guess that’s a nod to her acting skills, but I don’t think she’s such a great actress.

I have a few stories about Alyssa Milano -rumors and such I’ve heard from people who know people who know me.  The stories are just okay -which is usually the way it is with dumb hearsay stories about actors and actresses, but if we’re out drinking one night we can talk about them if you’re interested enough, though I’m telling you they’re not that good.   My dream is probably better.

[I wonder if I could take Alyssa Milano...would she fall for my charm?  Hmmmmm.....]

Breaking The Vice

I’m pretty sure I have a heat rash on my neck and chest.  They’re spots of sort that itch right down to my armpit.  I have an ingrown hair on my neck.  These happen sometimes, but this one seems to be my worst ever.  I thought it might be something worse like a tumor or a goitre, but my thyroid feels fine.  My doctor (Neil) said he’d take it out, but his threshold for pain is greater than mine.

I woke up with a headache, but then, I went to bed with one too.  It seems my headaches are more frequent lately when I wake up, though they tend to go away as the day goes on.  I can’t complain too much about them, but I do talk to the spanish ladies who sew samples for us.  ‘Mi cabeza es…um…no bueno…’.  They rattle off answers and I can’t respond.  I’ve been meaning to get one of those Rosetta Stones, but my lack of focus keeps me from ordering it.

But the heat is what’s killing me now more than ever.  Our Air Conditioner only works on fan since it’s from 1983 and it shorts out the tv when it is on.    I’ve slept with no A/C for two nights.  It doesn’t help my head.  I closed all the windows cause I was sure it was making it worse.  Sunday night I took a sheet off the bed and layed down on the wood floor cause my back hurt.  Eventually I passed out.

This heat is killer.  New York is unlivable like this.

What Was I Thinking?

Here’s some stream-of-conscious writings:

What’s the matter with you people?  What does it take to enthrall you stupid readers to get you talking back?  Do I have to talk about my loose stools as of late and how some girls call me Sir-Poops-A-Lot?   I don’t even think I go that much.  Just as much as the next guy, maybe less.  But girls just think that being in the bathroom is half of what men do with their lives.  Trust me, if I could, I would.  It’s the only real meditation I get during the day.  Being in the bathroom is awesome.  I beat level 2 of Zelda in the bathroom the other day.  Alot of the other times I’m just cleaning out my text messages.

My MRI came back today and I have a small cyst at the back of my brain where my spinal cord and brain meet.  According to the doctor, I’ve probably had it since I was little so it’s nothing to worry about, but I’m starting to doubt her.  She wears skids.  Also, I make these appointments for 8:30 and she never shows up until about 8:45-9.  C’mon.  Is it really so difficult to get there at the appointments time?  And if not, then just tell me to come in later.  Stupid doctors.  The other thing that sucks -and this goes for all docotrs- is paying for an appointment when all you did with them was sit for 10 minutes and talk.  Are you fucking serious?  You’re gonna charge me a full appointments amount for me telling you that I feel the same as last time?  All I picture is me walking out and her thinking ‘Jeez, that was the easiest 300 bucks I ever made.  I’ve gotta get him in here more often.’

Apparently asses are back in.  According to the NY Post at least.  This girl Kim Kardashian has a delectable booty.  I for one seem to favor the ass at this point in my life and can appreciate them in many shapes and sizes.  I once had a conversation with the interstellar traveler named Bruce about how a girls ass is scientifically set to turn males on at a 7/10th ratio to the waist.  This is because that ratio portrays the best shape for reproduction.  I don’t know how true that is, but it makes sense to me.  And who am I to argue with a creature from another planet.  He’s since returned home.  Some nights I look up at the sky and wonder where he is.

In still other news, peaches and plums are in season so be sure to pick a few up!  Peaches are awesome.