HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008!!!

For all it’s worth, they can take 2007 and give it back to the ages. So says Tony Soprano in the year that saw his show (The Sopranos) end. This year was pretty much the pits and yes, the ages can have it. Here’s to hoping 2008 is the year…that very one we hope for every year.

To get us started, I’ve written down my short list of resolutions below…note there’s not much on there cause, well, I’m not too organized and I don’t remember things too well.

Resolutions for 2008 (in no specific order):

-Take an art class (today will be the year! this is for my grandpa too.)

-Read a book on being more organized. (Just need to read it, not neccesarily do it yet.)

-Eat at Mekong. (This restaurant is directly below my apartment -I just need to understand why Bon Jovi is neccessary at 2am.)

-Naked Yoga (self-explanatory)

-Remember Passwords (every year I have this dream that I’ll remember how to log into my life, but every year I get denied).

Happy New Year Everybody! From Amsterdam with Love!

abzme

30 Years of (Scottie) Rock!

I’d like to take this opportunity to give a warm HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my one and only Cuz, Scott F… a.k.a. Scottie Rocks a.k.a. Yo Yo Scottie!

Scottie turned the big three-oh on Saturday and we had large party to celebrate at a place in Midtown called The Volstead -a nice, glossy-looking bar that seemed a bit more swanky and intimidating than it really probably is.  The place seemed to be filled with mostly Indians and Jews -This could be due to the fact that it’s owned by the same guys that own Vig 27. While it started off slow, the party was soon bumping with dancing and drunken females. Cameras were flashing. The drinks were flowing, and one could hear the faint chanting of what sounded like a website.  Scottie was the man of the hour and his friends were all there cheering him on.  Nice group, I might add.

The music was good despite the dj’s inability to control himself on the fader (who blends Biggie and The Beatles together?). I should also note that the dj was cross-dressing on this particular night and had a very strange resemblance to the killer, Buffalo Bill when he was all dressed up in his human skin suit in Silence Of The Lambs (‘put the lotion in the bucket!’)

Scottie Rocks is one of those rare individuals that adds a splash of color to life (especially my own) and I’d like to thank him right here, right now for that. His consistency in finding new ways to entertain me is truly astounding. I would like it if one day can sit down to sit down and write a sitcom just to have a character based on him in it. Happy Birthday Scottie!  Great birthday and great first 30 years.  Here’s to many, many more together!

Some general facts about Mr. Rocks:

Scott is a tall, handsome, blond haired individual that eats well (white pizza?), and goes to the gym (though I’ve never actually seen him work out).  He looks like a much better version of Michael Rappaport (despite the latter’s attractive wife (see above)). He speaks broken Yiddish and has customized sneakers with his name in the side.

Naps and Scoops in the City

Did anybody get this ‘Cit Scoops’ magazine in their mail the other day? Before throwing it out, I had to go to the bathroom and, y’know, its not half bad. There was this one thing about a place that lets you pay to take a nap while you’re at work (I’ve been doing that for years now). It’s called Metronaps and it’s in the Empire State Building, and basically you go into some pod shaped things and you sleep for 20 minutes (or what feels like 20 minutes (c’mon, we all saw Cocoon)). The website reads like a farce, but jeez it looks comfy. And Jeff, there’s even instructions on HOW TO NAP!!!

Look at this picture of Adrien Brody. He’s done half a shot and he looks like he’s in mid-sentence. Pretty funny.

There’s some other cool stuff including an article about naked yoga classes. I’m not giving any links though cause I’m gonna think about doing that…

One morning, while walking along in Jersey City

I was gonna write about how there are no cute girls in Jersey City, but I saw 2 when I was there at a Dunkin’ Donuts one morning a while back, so there goes that. Still, the crazies in Jersey City outnumber cute girls probably by about a thousand to 1, so don’t pack your bags and move there just yet. Though Jersey City has some potential, between teaching the cabbies English so that you can haggle their prices, and stepping over crackheads near the PATH station only to realize that you work with them, it’s probably better to invest now, but move there later.

Did you ever wonder what 2 million coats look like? Me too! Luckily, the lords cruel humor has afforded me the chance in my lifetime to see this up close. I’ve posted some pictures below, though they do little justice. 2 million is more than one person can quite get their head around (nor should anyone want to). Still, the warehouse is 600,000 square feet and you easily loose your way if you don’t know where you’re going. The trick is to not go inside in the first place. Though it really is an incredible operation, and its strange to see the gears of the economy so up close and personal. The amount of materialism and consumption that these coats allude to is enough to suffocate anybody-which is why we’re putting warnings on the polybags.

Running and Bruxism (cont.)

Meant to mention this a while back…there was a great article on nighttime teeth maladies in the NY Times a while back. Apparently its called Bruxism -Not TEETHGRINDING. And it affects 8-10 percent of the population. That sucks. There’s no way we’re gonna tackle this problem as a society if only 8-10 percent of us care about it.  Please, please encourage your dentists to take up this cause and help us find a real cure that doesn’t involve unsightly mouthguards.

On a separate but just as important (maybe more) note, my roommate, Jeff, just completed 9 races for the Road Runners club of NYC, which means, barring injury, that he will automactically get a spot in next years Marathon!

CONGRATULATIONS JEFF!!!

His last race was the other day in cold (35-36 degree) temperatures (though not as cold as last week) and he actually won! First place and 200 dollars! He beat out Tesfaye Jifar for the crowning achievement.  Great job Jeff!  This apple’s for you!

Now I’m gonna have to race.

Watching the Michaels

How can nobody write about this in the blog-O-sphere tilt-A-whirl? And if they did write about it, how come it’s so damn hard to find? If you’re like me (which you should be), then you like to get your ideas of things through reading them on a combination of actual, professional reviews (see cNet, Consumer Reports), and through blogs written by maladjusted paradults like myself (I just made up that word and define it as an individual that’s not quite an adult despite looking close to 30 and characterized as having never fought in a war).

So looking for an actual review of the double-bill Michael Showalter, Michael Ian Black performance at Irving Plaza last Saturday turned up less than I would’ve liked. That being the case, I’ll just have to write my own…hmmm…what to write…this is awkward…um….hmmpfff…

The show was a bit like that. A bit awkward, a bit intimate, and tremendously funny. I mean hilarious. Some of the stuff really had me gagging. I had a headache and didn’t want to throw my head around, but the laughter felt too good. Showalter has this rage of insecurity and entitlement that plays the perfect dynamic to Black’s rage of cockiness and entitlement. My friends and I tried to figure out which set was better, but we couldn’t. They were too different and too enjoyable in their own right. Showalter felt like you were hanging out in his room, with your jacket on, but not leaving yet, cause he was still entertaining you enough. I guess that’s a compliment. But forget all that. I’ll say one word that should be reason enough to go see this guy: REUNSHAT.

Both these guys are dry as hell (their humor, that is). Black probably more so, and you get the feeling that he may turn on you at any second- Joking with you, joking with you, wait jokes over now he’s serious. That kind of humor isn’t easy to pull off and Black never breaks character. He did this to a girl in the audience that was borderline heckling, explaining that dressing up for Halloween as Wayne from Wayne’s World was not cool, but that dressing up as ketchup was. (Mustard isn’t. But it doesn’t matter if that’s true or not because Black is so damn cocky that there’s no room for anyone else’s opinion). He’s pretty damn sharp too and was interacting with the audience when someone would shout out a sketch from The State, which was on the air, what? 15 years ago? But forget all that. I’ve had a bad stomach for quite some time now and when he did that hand impression for the audience on how a Michigan strip mall’s Mexican food made him feel…well, lets just say he gave me a voice. And I’d been quiet for so long.

Michael Showalter’s new cd ‘Sandwiches and Cats’ is available now. (Yeah jDubs!) He’s also a wicked doodler!

Michael Ian Black’s website is here. You can buy his cd, ‘I Am A Wonderful Man’ here. (Man, what a cocky ass! (haha, cockyass))

Note: Irving Plaza refers to Irving Plaza. It is not a time machine back to a venue that has been closed for over 30 years. That place is now a bank.  Seriously.

Computers at the Gym

 

Yeesh!  How do you maximize a window on a Mac?  I press the green button and it got bigger, but not big enough (that’s what she said)!  Still, this thing is pretty sweet.  There’s a certain gloss to a Mac…a luster…that pc’s just don’t seem to possess.  It’s as if the buttons push down just enough.  It seems the touchpad is responsive to a T…and the two finger scroll down is really nice.  For better or worse, this whole apple thing just feels ergonomically correct.

Did you ever take a Yoga class?  Y’know how the teacher always tells you to breathe and relax?  Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth.  Try it….

Relax…

Breathe in through your nose…

Breathe out through your mouth…

Again….Again…Again…

Do that for a little while.  That’s how this Mac feels.  A nice, relaxed breathing.  That’s how I’m sure most Macs feel.  Relax…Breathe….Relax…Breathe… Now lets see how using a PC feels.  

PC’s are jerky.  Mine turns on like this… it’s booting up, load, stop, load…see a desktop, disappears, desktop comes back, wait for icons, icons come up, can’t click yet, computer still making noise, cd player or something sounds like it’s spinning loud, wait five seconds, wait for the thing to calm down, okay now click on something and hope it doesn’t freeze.   Please don’t freeze!

Now try this…

Take in a breath.  Not fully, stop halfway.  Hold for a sec.  Now breathe out through your nose as much as you can.  Push it out and don’t breathe in!  Hold it!  Push more air out your mouth!  HOLD IT!  Breath in through your mouth and nose simultaneously!  STOP!  Hold your breath!  Push your stomach out like you’ve got a big belly!  Keep holding your breath!  Push your belly in and out!  In and out!  Now catch your breath through your nose only making as much noise as possible while making your belly big with each breath.  

That’s basically what a PC feels like. 

Then it burps and freezes.