Close Encounters Of Las Cucarachas Kind

Jeff finally explores his writing passion in the guest blog entry below. Though it took a while to hear from him, I think you’ll agree it was worth the wait…

Outside my bedroom window in Apt. 2, a nightly war wages. A battle between the army of squirrels vs. the legion of rats vs. the brigade of pigeons and other animals continues to make ungodly sounds almost every night that seem to be right next to me but, I am reassured by my 90 year old hot as all hell apt. that they will remain in the wild. To my surprise on Sunday night, the animal kingdom had made its way inside these walls. Around 1am, I headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth as a good dentist once told me when out of the corner of my eye I see an enormous cockroach (think the classic film Joe’s Apt except less hilarious, well actually much more hilarious) on the bathroom tile wall. Thinking swiftly and for entertainment purposes, I thought maybe we should clean this place more often (I had never seen one in here before) but, I thought that I would shoot it down with a rubber band bringing me back to the days when I received an archery set for my 11th birthday which was abandoned to play Nintendo about 2 hours after I opened the box. I located, locked him in let it go and to my surprise a direct hit as he fell from the wall into the tub. Wiping my brow and about to celebrate by listening to more WFAN coverage of useless repetitive phone calls, I noticed that while one of his many legs had detached, this cockroach was far from ending his fight. As he began to run around the bathroom tub and up the walls, I scurried to find any of the hundreds of old magazines that somehow stay in this place, settling on the 2007 Pazz and Jop issue of the Village Voice (Amy Winehouse cover, I imagine she enjoys killing/eating bugs), I ran back in and with my ten push ups a day strength capacity smacked the living hell out of this thing. Preparing to be done with this and go to bed, I lift the paper and my feisty friend the cockroach is still going strong! Heart racing now, I chased him down the tub, and pummeled the bug with more of Winehouse’s face. Lifting up the paper, this creature was still trying to survive and continue fighting like Mariners pitcher Felix Hernandez last night, who after hitting the first grand slam by an AL pitcher since I was negative eight off Johan Santana, gets his ankle spiked by Beltran, and tries to beg his manager to stay alive in the game before clearly having to take him out for the night…I was going to play the role of Interim Manager Jim Riggleman here. With one more whomp and several fierce foot stomps I had finally taken down the damn bug. Viewing the carcass, I lifted the paper (it was stuck to Amy’s nose), peeled it off the paper, and heaved it into the great water oasis with a flush.

Another adventure in the urban jungle at the soon to be departed Apt. 2. For those of you wondering, abzme is still itching, possibly has a new ailment, and has 5 new mosquito bites today.

Five mosquito bites would be a pleasure! I’m a grand feast for these bloodsuckers! I think they’re trying to mate with me!

I Went To Pakistan For Lunch Today

In my neverending quest to find good food at cheap prices while still trying new things, I found myself in a bodega on 9th Avenue today, spontaneously getting three dollars worth of rice, spinach and an animal that is supposed to be chicken, but is actually labeled as ‘OTHER’. It was the chickpeas creatively mixed in with the rice that sold me on the lunch (I’ve been on a chickpea kick recently), and to be honest, the rice alone is not bad. However don’t be fooled. Chunky pieces of meat that look plentiful are actually bone from unidentifiable parts of an unclassified creature whose flesh doesn’t seem to take to being cooked.
It’s all pretty amusing because before I left the man told me how good this Pakistani dish is and that he loves it. With his accent I thought he wanted me to try it right then and there, which I’m glad I didn’t do because I would have spit it out all over him in an uncontrollable gag reflex.
I remember reading a short story in High School English about a woman who kills her husband with a frozen lamb chop and then serves it to the police investigating the murder, thus essentially disposing of the murder weapon by the very people looking for it. It occurs to me now that I may in fact be doing something similar with my lunch today.
I wonder if I’ll be sick this afternoon…

UPDATE: I pretty much ate around all the dead-Pakistani wife remains and vowed never to give charity to Pakistan again.

People Won’t Come, Ray.

Does anybody care about interleague play when it’s the Yanks versus the Astros?

Does anybody care when the Reds play…um…does it even matter?  Interleague is stupid.  The Yanks are up against the Padres tonight and the Reds on Friday.  Wow.  I’m not looking forward to watching those at all.

Give me some divisional series or at least lets cut this back, but three series in a row of interleague is bland.

And the Mets, besides the fact that no one cares about who they play cause they loose irregardless, are playing the Angels.  Ucch!

Who’s My Boss?

I had a dream about Alyssa Milano last night. I know what you’re thinking and yes, we did.

For some reason she shaved her head. For some other reason I found this really attractive on her. In real life though I wouldn’t find this attractive. Also, I’m not that into Alyssa Milano these days. She’s still plenty pretty, but she just doesn’t get my blood boiling like she used. And a loooooong time ago she really got it going for me. I remember in elementary school having something like 7 posters of her in my room from all the Teen Bop magazines (Teen Bop, Teen Beat, Tiger (remember Tiger magazine, haha, oh wait, it’s Tiger Beat)). I thought I liked her the most until I realized someone else in my class had about 30 posters in his room (Ian Sh_rman) -Jeez, that place was like a creepy shrine. Anyway, I really disliked her character in My Name Is Earl this past season, but mostly because she drove Earl crazy. So I guess that’s a nod to her acting skills, but I don’t think she’s such a great actress.

I have a few stories about Alyssa Milano -rumors and such I’ve heard from people who know people who know me.  The stories are just okay -which is usually the way it is with dumb hearsay stories about actors and actresses, but if we’re out drinking one night we can talk about them if you’re interested enough, though I’m telling you they’re not that good.   My dream is probably better.

[I wonder if I could take Alyssa Milano...would she fall for my charm?  Hmmmmm.....]

Breaking The Vice

I’m pretty sure I have a heat rash on my neck and chest.  They’re spots of sort that itch right down to my armpit.  I have an ingrown hair on my neck.  These happen sometimes, but this one seems to be my worst ever.  I thought it might be something worse like a tumor or a goitre, but my thyroid feels fine.  My doctor (Neil) said he’d take it out, but his threshold for pain is greater than mine.

I woke up with a headache, but then, I went to bed with one too.  It seems my headaches are more frequent lately when I wake up, though they tend to go away as the day goes on.  I can’t complain too much about them, but I do talk to the spanish ladies who sew samples for us.  ‘Mi cabeza es…um…no bueno…’.  They rattle off answers and I can’t respond.  I’ve been meaning to get one of those Rosetta Stones, but my lack of focus keeps me from ordering it.

But the heat is what’s killing me now more than ever.  Our Air Conditioner only works on fan since it’s from 1983 and it shorts out the tv when it is on.    I’ve slept with no A/C for two nights.  It doesn’t help my head.  I closed all the windows cause I was sure it was making it worse.  Sunday night I took a sheet off the bed and layed down on the wood floor cause my back hurt.  Eventually I passed out.

This heat is killer.  New York is unlivable like this.

What Was I Thinking?

Here’s some stream-of-conscious writings:

What’s the matter with you people?  What does it take to enthrall you stupid readers to get you talking back?  Do I have to talk about my loose stools as of late and how some girls call me Sir-Poops-A-Lot?   I don’t even think I go that much.  Just as much as the next guy, maybe less.  But girls just think that being in the bathroom is half of what men do with their lives.  Trust me, if I could, I would.  It’s the only real meditation I get during the day.  Being in the bathroom is awesome.  I beat level 2 of Zelda in the bathroom the other day.  Alot of the other times I’m just cleaning out my text messages.

My MRI came back today and I have a small cyst at the back of my brain where my spinal cord and brain meet.  According to the doctor, I’ve probably had it since I was little so it’s nothing to worry about, but I’m starting to doubt her.  She wears skids.  Also, I make these appointments for 8:30 and she never shows up until about 8:45-9.  C’mon.  Is it really so difficult to get there at the appointments time?  And if not, then just tell me to come in later.  Stupid doctors.  The other thing that sucks -and this goes for all docotrs- is paying for an appointment when all you did with them was sit for 10 minutes and talk.  Are you fucking serious?  You’re gonna charge me a full appointments amount for me telling you that I feel the same as last time?  All I picture is me walking out and her thinking ‘Jeez, that was the easiest 300 bucks I ever made.  I’ve gotta get him in here more often.’

Apparently asses are back in.  According to the NY Post at least.  This girl Kim Kardashian has a delectable booty.  I for one seem to favor the ass at this point in my life and can appreciate them in many shapes and sizes.  I once had a conversation with the interstellar traveler named Bruce about how a girls ass is scientifically set to turn males on at a 7/10th ratio to the waist.  This is because that ratio portrays the best shape for reproduction.  I don’t know how true that is, but it makes sense to me.  And who am I to argue with a creature from another planet.  He’s since returned home.  Some nights I look up at the sky and wonder where he is.

In still other news, peaches and plums are in season so be sure to pick a few up!  Peaches are awesome.

I’m Not Shoeless! You’re Shoeless!

Check this link out. there’s a hilarious situation in New Mexico where a Liquor Store owner/worker/drunk, whatever. Anyway, people kept stealing from the store even when the cops would come and arrest them, so this guy, Gabe Fidanqe, (aka Fred Durst) said ‘Fuck You Cops - your brand of justice just does not work!’ and so Gabe just started stealing these theives shoes! Haha. If he caught them stealing he’d let them choose between the cops coming or loosing a shoe (left only). Apparently the shit works because everyone’s too embarrassed to return to where they got caught and had a shoe taken from them. Oh New Mexico -Soon they’ll be taking ten paces, turning, and shooting. Shoeting? Hmmmm…

In other news, I got an MRI yesterday for my headaches. Besides spending an entire afternoon there after the place called me, told me to come in early (at 1:30) only for me to show up and then be told I missed the early appointment, but that I can stay for another, only to have them say that one fell through, only to wait til my original appointment at 4:45. Dumb fucks. Very nice people though.

Ever get an MRI? You sit on a cold bed, then they wheel you into a coffin that was built to bury beige computers from the mid-nineties, then they start studying the affects of the music from Space Invaders on the human brain. I don’t know how or why (I ask the technician who said the sound is radiation waves bouncing off other radiation waves (what?)), but if it will tell me that there’s a crayon in my nose causing headaches, then I’m game.

Shout out to Bex who sat with me in the waiting room. She’s reading a book called ‘Women‘ by Charles Bukowski. It’s about eating pussy I think.

And finally, I bet you’re not wondering about the title of this post. Well, it’s from one of my most favorite moments in South Park -a show I never watch- but this is just great. Towelie -the talking towel that likes to get high is working at PF Changs…

http://www.mediazine.net/view/south_park_towelie_pf_changs

[url]http://www.mediazine.net/view/south_park_towelie_pf_changs[/url]

Just Like In Fake Life

Came across this story this morning while avoiding work.  Does anyone else find this to be pretty wild?  I think it’s one of the secret reasons I live in this town.  It’s like James Woods character in The Hard Way.

So this cop from Astoria is talking to his case / love interest while off duty at her work in Chinatown.  She’s been getting abused at home and he’s trying to give her some new options.  Then these two guys bust in and try to rob the place!  They wrestle with the cop while they’re beating up the girl.  Remember, he’s off duty (or wearing his secret identity).  He breaks free and runs out, so now they’re cutting up the girl, when suddenly the cop busts in again, and shoots down one of the guys!  He saves the day!  He automatically gets laid that night!  How fascinating this all plays out in my head!

Here’s the link:

Goin’ Back To Indiana

They don’t make movies like they used to.

And yet, they don’t make movies like this anymore.

Over the long weekend Ms. Starr and I got a chance to take in a late movie and checked out the new Indiana Jones. I was pretty psyched to see it since I love the series, love Spielberg doing the stuff he does best, and love actually wanting to see a movie I’m paying 12 bucks for (for a while, it’s been pretty tough to get excited about throwing down 20+ dollars just to watch television in a glorified living room).

So is it good? Yeah. It’s fun, entertaining, Harrison Ford is still awesome as Dr. Jones and his alter ego, and surprisingly, Shia LeBouf is pretty cool to watch as well. Be warned, there’s alot of crap I rolled my eyes at (much more than the previous ones), so much obvious stuff, so much I thought Jeez, make this more believable, but I never wanted to leave the theater and walk out (I almost sorta felt like a kid watching a classic movie star doing his classic movie star stunts up there). It’s Hollywood stuff. And let me say for the record, there’s alot of bogus shit in this flick, a lotta flashy lights and computers, but forget all that because when Harrison Ford’s jumpin’ on crates and swinging on that whip, you’ll be more impressed than all that other stuff ’cause I know it hurts me to walk up two flights of stairs these days and heartburn basically makes catching my breath seem impossible. (Gosh, I hope I can get in shape one of these days.)

Killing Russians isn’t as fun as killing Nazis. It’s jut not. Especially when Cate Blanchett is their leader (though she’s good as well). I also liked the sexual innuendo that were in the earlier movies and that wasn’t here. This is a much more PG version of Indiana Jones and I would have liked to’ve seen more grit, more R rated stuff (blood, torture, etc). A darker side of things. One thing Spielberg was good at was making you believe that, wow, Indiana just got his book signed by Adolf Hitler! And he’s still good at that (this wouldn’t have done as well under a different director), but not great at it in this. Although, maybe I’m just older now too, but I don’t think so.

Although you can do more with Computer Graphics, they are just not the same as smoke and mirrors. No one in Hollywood seems to learn this no matter how many movies suffer from it. I’m telling you, watching Harrison Ford jump on those crates is more astounding than watching faux fire ants attack some Russian guy. I feel like these stupid computer graphic obsessions are pretty much good for one movie and one movie only -Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas. (And speaking of which, how Indiana spends half the movie in the Amazon and doesn’t eat some psychedelic is surprising -look, I just wrote the next Indie film.)

Still, the important elements outweigh the heavy dose of disbelief we need to swallow for this flick -the humor is good, the acting holds up (no miscast Angelina here), the history is there too -though you’ll never beat religious ghosts with Incas and Mayans.

One more note…At some point I thought to myself, when did this become The Goonies? Then I thought when did this become Ducktales? But in the end it doesn’t matter because both The Goonies and Ducktales are awesome while still being for kids, and this movie and the series is still pretty cool. It’s still cool to make archeology and history and learning seem like so much fun. It’s still cool that the film takes place at a time when so much history was going on and you were allowed to carry a whip without being called kinky. And it’s still cool to go to the movies and feel like a kid.

So here’s my advice. If you like Indiana Jones, go see this movie. Suspend your disbelief as much as you can, and try to enjoy the fact that this isn’t 6 Days, 7 Nights.

Notes and Such:

-Once again, Lucas screws up another masterpiece by making it kitschy. It seems this flick was in development since ‘89 (when the previous flick came out) ’cause Spielberg and Ford disagreed with the Crystal Skull as a plot device.

-Ford, who’s 64 spent 3 hours a day in the gym and ate alotta protein like fish. Alotta veggies too.

-Connery was asked originally to be in the film, but turned it down since he likes retirement too much -is that true? Is Connery retired? Do actors retire?

-Starr likes bad pizza. She ate a slice with bacon, tomato, and garlic, which was probably the second worst choice of her life. Me being the first.

Orientals or Asians…You Decide

A friend of mine at work today told me about how she was in a meeting and some guy referred to her as Oriental. Haha. Well doesn’t that bring me back to my youth! Personally I miss the term Oriental, but only because it reminds me of the Chinese food we used to eat as kids at Fortune Garden. Anyway this term is offensive now because it was waaaaaay too broad and really not PC. I thought everyone got the message but apparently not. My friend Amy Lay lays it down for us in this email….

You can not believe what happened today. I was in Sam’s office doing training for this new program to review selling.

Anyway, You would think in today’s society everyone is very PC and knows to not refer Asians as ORIENTALS. It is 2008 after all!!!!

So during my training session this afternoon with a room with 4 men and myself (not only was I the only female but “asian”), the word “Oriental” was used to refer to Asians.

Because we were talking about things “coats” being packable, this man starts saying… ”Only “ORIENTALS” know how to use things that are packable because they are so small.”…. Are you kidding me???? Was he for real????

He then goes on about things from Japan are put in small little packages and once you open them, you can never put it back the way you bought them.

Being the Asian in the room, I was beyond speechless and had to look away. The funny thing is that this isn’t the first time I have heard this.

A couple of years back, working in the showroom with a buyer, he was happy to work with me because I was always available. I took it as a compliment. But then he starts to say that being in the garment industry; you can never get a hold of anyone after 5pm and on Fridays after noon. But those Orientals are always working 24/7. Then looks at me…. Again… I was speechless.

Who really thinks its OK to refer to a major population of this continent as Orientals. Ugh… !

Hahaha. My first question to her was if these guys were Jewish. My second was whether they were dumb (yes to both). Us Jews always generalize and stereotype for persecution purposes. (we need to know who we can trust in a hurry) Especially the old ones. The thing is, they never mean any intentional harm by it. Schvarz, Kooshie, Goyish, etc. they’re just Jewish words for everyone else, but they’re not derogatory per se because the Jews think it’s just another term for a non-Jew.

Here’s a link for a really good article that breaks down how all this started.

And as for Amy, don’t worry honey. It’s a compliment. This guy obviously felt so comfortable with you that he didn’t see you in terms of race or color. To him you were just a fellow American. Well done.